Taking a break from studying
Taking a break from studying
Nicole was my first love. In my last post I said I was moving on, but how I think about love always stops me. After venting with family and friends, they would basically say all the same things. “I know what you’re going through.” “I felt the same pain.” Then a “move on” would follow right after. No matter who you’re going to end up with, there will always be challenges. Then it all comes down to how the both of you can overcome them. Of course together, but sometimes it could be only one person. We both made many mistakes that eventually hurt each other. The thing that I never understood was she could easily walk away, break up, and forget about me. I forgot to remember she has been through her own experiences and she has her reasons. I do not blame her but I tried to explain that even though what mistakes she did, I never thought of leaving her. During these ups and downs, I vented with people to try to get an understanding. But nothing but these words “move on” To me that is the easiest thing to do. But realizing that love is everything from good to bad caused an idea to hit me, and it stuck. Then Nicole would tell me “This is who you are” “We have different mindsets of love” Different mindsets..of course people will have their own mind but I really do believe as long as you love someone. Leaving or moving on will never be an option.Don’t get me wrong, I understand moving on is finding someone new that could potentially be the love you need, but of course there will be challenges. So love is a cycle there is happiness, harmony, discord, then eventually separation. So instead of choosing to move on, Why can’t I still try with the girl I love and get through this challenge? But the thing that stopped us, was that her experiences caused her to not fight for anyone and that moving on is the best choice. We both got angry because of the mistakes that we did, it developed into insecurities that we will maybe carry with us. The pain that love can cause is immense. It can cause people to lose themselves and to say/do things that would just hurt each other more. I would tell her, that this is not who I am, the reason why I am like this is because I loved her. What recently happened broke me..I lost this will to fight for her. But I still tried to get to her, I just wanted her to know and understand that Im afraid. If another challenge comes between us, would I be able to stay strong? I really did not know if I could be capable..then out of no where moving on became an option to me. Then I realized everything.. Love has a limit for people, it can make someone strong but can also break them. In my opinion the ignorance to always believe that someone has a different mindset of love is stupid. If you love someone you are trying to reach a common goal, which is you will always be by their side. Because love made you feel that moving on was no the right thing to do. But to you, whoever is reading this, you have all the right to say anything. I’ll respect your opinion, just respect that I will always choose to not move on. Only if the next girl I fall in love with, can ditch her “mindset” and just love this fool. I am not saying nicole did not love me, she did I know she did. The main reason why I moved on is that I realized I am not the guy she can ditch her mindset for. Leaving became an anxiety to me..and she was still choosing it. So I do not want to do what I did before, I am finally accepting it.
A lot of people have told me I did not deserve this, but maybe I did. I look at what happened as a lesson, and it will guide me to that woman. The woman who will receive my heart and give me hers in return. If there are more lessons life has to give me about love, i’ll accept them. I won’t let this stop me from putting my heart and soul into a relationship. I learned that emotions can make you go down a path that you would’ve never seen yourself go down. Honestly tho love is fucking crazy haha.
This is what a blog is for, getting all the fucked up ideas out of your head and putting them out in cyberspace. Well from my experience of love I found out that people can form their own definition for this emotion. From what I think love is, through my experience, that it is everything from good to bad. That it’s not just a title you give each other, it is a promise. That promise says, “I find you worth it for and to take everything that love has to offer.” But people make mistakes. So It is your choice to forgive and help them. Some people might say, “Why help someone who cheated on you or who lied to you.” Well if that person realizes their mistake and wants to fix themselves for you, why not give them another chance? Then some people might say, “They should have never fucked up in the first place.” Yes, this is true but everyone has and made mistakes. That choice to forgive is entirely up to that person. But this what I believe, as long as you see each other at the ends of a line and decide, “I want to be on that side” everything might get easier. But going back to what I said, you have to find someone who is worth making that promise to. Everyone has their own definition of love.
You get held back by fear and doubt but when you feel that person by your side is worth everything, you forget about everything else. Once you realize you jumped, you’re in love. But true love is only obtainable when the both of you are ready to jump together.